As a writing instructor, I don’t think your description of these (out of context) sample paragraphs is very helpful. I think it would be pedagogically more sound to look at these as starting points rather than wrong versus right. If writing was only ever a game of wrong or right, then it would not be any better than a standardized test. Fortunately, language and writing are more fluid than that. That being said, so answer your question, if these are indeed complete paragraphs, they lack topic and concluding sentences to show the essay ready why these examples are relevant to their qualifications as a potential student. However, the fact that they do attempt to be specific about how they feel in both moments shows a snippet of them as people doing what they love. That’s a good start beyond merely telling an admissions committee why to select them, in my humble, opinion. I should also add that my three degrees come from two small private liberal arts colleges and a large state university. Perhaps we value our applicants differently than our Ivy League counterparts, but I would be loathe to think so.